Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
