Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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