how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
