the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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