If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
