I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
