I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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