I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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