You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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