called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
