Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Randomize
