I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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