im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
