I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
