Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She's the barista slut.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
