and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
this boner is exhausting
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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