I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize