come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
