i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
