So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
