I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
