woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
