hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
