6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
