There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
