Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
how drunk are you?
Several
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
