I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You were trust falling into bushes
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
