I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
