I smell stomach acid.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
