They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is Oprah even human
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I supernannyed him into submission
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
