Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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