I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
