theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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