I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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