Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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