a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
