Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
