Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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