I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
