You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
