I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize