god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
