R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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