yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
