you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
