In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
