Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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