Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
