If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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