Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
