You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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