What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
