Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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