By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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