Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We named our party play list daddy issues
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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