So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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