he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
