"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
