im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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