Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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