she woke up with a sticky ear
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
