is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
