so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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