My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just high enough for therapy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
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