genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
