You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
